Something I continue to learn about life is that I have limited control over it. Whether it’s a big shift or a small choice, the decision is largely made for me. Perpetually floating downstream. Although I’ve found this to be liberating in some aspects of my life, in others I feel like the lack of control is largely my fault. Sometimes it feels like my decisions are made by the incessant reminders of my past and an insatiable craving for things to be different. It’s a perpetual cycle that keeps me from enjoying the present. I know it. I’ve actually known about it for a while now. And yet, I feel helpless to do anything about it.
They say the initial stages of problem solving is admitting you have a problem and then defining what that problem is. For me, I can say this is probably the most difficult stage for me. As a self-critical person, I often get stuck in this stage. Baffled that I could be so foolish as to create these problems for myself. From there, I blame my past decisions and denigrate the person I was. And so begins again the endless and fruitless path of self depreciation.
It’s a lot like hearing that song you hate on the radio. When it comes on again, you can recollect all the times you hated hearing it in the past. Ultimately solving nothing. You can try to call the station and try to convince them to not play it in the future. Again, unlikely to solve anything. Or, you can change the station. Or better yet, turn off the radio.
My biggest problem is stewing in my issues. I’m in the car, listening to the same station, knowing full well that Lil Yachty song is coming on. I anticipate it, I demonize it based on how it made me feel in the past. However, neither of those things will avoid it from playing again. Only changing the station, turning the radio off, or exiting the car is going to result in any sort of change.
Today I’m sitting in the car. The radio is playing in the background, so here is my attempt at changing the station. Tomorrow, I’ll have to do the same thing but eventually I’ll forget about that shitty song. Over time, that song will play less frequently until life moves on from it. I don’t have to keep hating the song, nor should I try to sing over it to drown it out. Rather, I just move away from it, one day at a time, until eventually it’s not around anymore. Instinct tells me I need to do more, history wants me to hold onto it in my mind, but the reality is much simpler.
Just accept that it’s here for now and it can only affect me if I let it.