Troy and I have always been very different. As he alluded to, I had to earn his friendship in high school because he was skeptical of me. Fair enough. We were completely opposite personality wise. As a kid, I idled at an 8 or 9 out of 10. Of course this meant that I was always trying to be the center of attention and constantly in trouble. Troy carried himself very differently. Most of the time, I would see him keeping to himself and doing everything he could to stay in the background. Thinking back on that time, I think it was our differences that attracted me to him as a person. I wanted a friend who was the inverse of me.
But as I got to know Troy and worked towards earning his friendship – and I do mean work and earn in the most literal sense, the guy made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me – I realized we had one core commonality. He was funny. Once I knew that, trying to convince Troy to be my friend became like a game to me, and a fun one at that. I got him into some trouble at school and he introduced me to The Beatles and Karl Pilkington. Pretty soon we started hanging out after school together, inventing games and got both of our friend groups to play, and I even hung out at his house a few times.
Admittedly, I had never really had a friend like Troy. Initially, Troy was just one of the many friends I pursued and hung out with. I was “friends” with jocks, stoners, nerds, underclassmen, teachers, literally everyone and anyone. So as Troy and my friendship continued to flourish, I made sure Troy was someone I didn’t lose contact with.
However, I agree with Troy that our friend dynamic was far from typical. After all, I’ve never sought after friendships in the typical sense. This probably had a lot to do with how I grew up. To say my parents were strict would be a gross understatement. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over, didn’t stay the night at others houses, every party I went to was a Mission Impossible caliber task that I eventually gave up on. So once I left for college, I didn’t realize all the communication that went into maintaining a friendship. Furthermore, I never had a “best friend” until I moved to California and even then, I have not kept in touch with them like I have with Troy. That said, hearing him recap our decade of friendship, it’s clear even our definition of “keeping in touch”, like our friendship, is drastically different..
For me, I have always experienced the joys of friendship through the moments I share with people. Whoever is in front of me receives most if not all of my attention. In other words, I’m shit at staying in touch. I realize this isn’t for everyone; I may have even unknowingly pushed people out of my life. That said, it’s who I am. I don’t really need contact to know I care about my friends and vice versa. But being around Troy these last few months, it’s clear some people need regular contact. Something as simple as a 10 min phone call shows that the other person cares, even from across the country.
Effort defines a friendship. Effort was how Troy and I became friends in the first place. It’s the foundation that everything else is rooted to. It allows us to traverse our cavern of difference allowing us to bond over our commonalities; which are far stronger than any apparent disparity. What was true for us in high school is just as true today. All that’s changed is our circumstances.
Instead of trying to earn our friendship, our job is to maintain it. I’d argue it takes more effort to do this. Now the goal isn’t about enjoying what we have in common, rather it’s about being understanding of our disparities. Sometimes, like the night Troy mentioned, only one of us may be upset while the other is completely unaware that anything is different. I’ve learned those moments are inevitable parts of being friends with someone who is bipolar. So what can be done?
I believe it comes back to questioning your effort. How much are you putting forth? Are you giving your time unselfishly, expecting nothing in return? Are you being empathetic of where they are at mentally or circumstantially? For me, these questions have helped me check myself and become a better friend. And if I, someone who continues to be bad at keeping in touch, can grow from these questions; perhaps you can too.
If you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please do not hesitate to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1–800–273-TALK (8255). This is a free, 24/7 confidential service that can provide people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, or those around them, with support, information, and local resources. For more information, call or visit www.suicidepreventionhotline.org.