An unwelcomed entity comes to visit and refuses to leave. Who are they and why won’t they leave?
Today was going so good. Great in fact. I woke up early, something I’ve struggled to make a consistent part of my routine. I was driven, each of the tasks I set out to complete were done. Even the projects that are new to me. Despite not knowing how to work on them, necessarily, I managed to fumble my way through them successfully. I ate decently well, went to the gym, sat in the sauna, told some jokes. So why is this showing up again?
That feeling that there is still so much more to do. Lingering around my apartment like it pays rent. Leaching on everything I am and own. Every experience becomes something I have to share with this feeling. Because things are unfinished, I suppose it makes sense for that feeling to desire to finish other things. Regardless that doesn’t help the matter. It doesn’t provide relief but instead a reminder of the insatiable desire I have to complete things. Yet here I am, Andrew the person, the furthest thing from fulfilled.
Ironic I know. Perhaps there is something to learn from the irony. Why is this insatiable want to finish have a permanent spot next to me on my couch? Surely it’s more than just completing my silly little projects. It is clear that those things will come in time, some sooner than others but eventually I will reach the finish line. No, there is something more to it. Something deep within that is stoking the fire. Hiding behind the brightness of the flame. There must be, otherwise the answer is a morbid one. I’ll never feel complete until it’s too late.
How do I get this feeling of inadequacy out of my mind? Taking on more would only cause it to grow. Attaining my goals might help for a little, but I know myself, there is always more. Maybe my approach is wrong. I’m trying to get rid of this feeling by understanding its root, however as I think back to the first time it visited me. I remember that encounter fondly.
It was during my school years where I developed this anxiety. Always wanting to make my parents proud after all they had spent on my education. Money, time, energy of three, sometime six people who put forth that effort all because of what they thought I could be. What started out as something so positive has now morphed into this insatiable desire to win more. But now as I think about that, the feeling is subsiding. It’s still there but maybe it doesn’t have to be an unwelcomed guest. Maybe I am the one who is making it feel unwelcomed, causing a thick unsettling air to linger in the room.
I’ll give this acceptance thing a try. See if I’m not the one who needs to change in this instance.