Creating stuff is awesome. I can’t think of a better way to spend my life than making things that make me and other people happy. There’s a lot to love about creativity but the thing I love is that it is both complex and simple all at once. The euphoric feeling of completing a project after all the struggle it took to bring it to fruition is unbelievably gratifying. And don’t forget about the ruts; oh how fun those creative ruts can be. I was in a rut recently. For two months, I didn’t create anything that I was proud of, and despite all my efforts, I couldn’t dig myself out.
Each day I try to do two things; write and perform. Of course there are days off and room for life to get in the way but generally, I follow this daily rule. For me, these small tasks are at the core of my creativity. Without them, nothing else would be possible but with them, I am empowered to complete any project I undertake. Writing and performing offer an achievable goal that makes even the most grandiose, pie in the sky dream, seem manageable. All I have to do is stay on the path and good things will happen. But when I hit my rut, even daily creativity wasn’t enough to pull me out of the trench I was in.
I had no belief in what I was creating anymore.
Eventually I realized that my rut was a self perpetuating problem. Writing and performing daily became nothing more than a disingenuous ritual which only further deepened my rut. Somewhere along the way I had stopped doing those things for me. Instead I was writing and performing to fulfill a task or to make other people like me. My heart was no longer in it.
Creativity has its perks but it’s the downsides that I don’t hear too much about. I often think of creativity as unearthing a diamond. Everyone sees the polished diamond; completely awed when they see it. But what they don’t see is the effort it took to get it to that point. The sheer obsession it took, the countless hours, tireless effort, and the wounds it left on the creator. Rarely do we speak of that. Most of the creative process is done in the background where no one notices. And if you’re not careful, well you can end up like me; scratching at the bottom of the creativity well.
I thought I had figured it out. Frequency was the key to creative success. It even worked for a while. Daily dedication of picking up a pen or taking hold of the mic brought with it a rush of creative inspiration. But then came the rut. Cool, time to course correct, but to what? I was writing everyday, on stage every night. Where could I go from there?
Reflection
Although unintentional, I took a step back from creating. I spent time with my family and friends and remembered that creativity isn’t the sole focus of life. There is no sole focus, aside from living that is. Then, once my spirits were lifted, my pot a little fuller, I did something that scares me to my core. I looked in the mirror. Staring into my own eyes and thinking about the decisions I made, the path that I was on, my deepest desires and regrets; I noticed something. While I was attempting to create to bring joy to myself and others, what I instead created was nothing more than an insatiable desire to succeed.
I wasn’t writing to understand the world, I was writing for people to agree with me.
My jokes weren’t designed to make people laugh but were told to fuel my ego.
Over the past couple of months, I have been fixated on my desired destination rather than the thing I actually love doing. Success was the target and being creative became just a way of obtaining it. What’s worse, I picked up some bad habits along the way. I failed to center my stories around me; my experiences and the things life has taught me through them. Soon after I unknowingly began developing a persona that inhibited the core part of my creativity. I forgot how to be vulnerable. Success has no use for something as feeble as a vulnerable heart. There’s no room for it; show no weakness and people won’t know you’re a fraud.
It was at this point that I began to reap the sows of my harvest. My words were hollow, my thoughts not my own, my voice did not speak to truth but spoke only my truth which is really just something empty.
So, what now?
Quit. That would be the easiest option, after all. No one would care. Time waits for no man and that’s especially true for creators. The universe is the ultimate creator. It doesn’t need me. I need it. I couldn’t quit because ultimately it wouldn’t solve anything. My rut would just turn into regret.
So, what then?
Up until the holidays, I didn’t have a good answer. My only answer was, keep going, but that got me here in the first place. So, I just did what felt like the only thing to do. I waited.
Patiently I thought about what could pull me out of this rut, aside from digging myself out of it. My initial patience didn’t produce a clear answer, so I kept it in the back of my mind and turned my attention to the other aspects of my life. Spending moments with my family and friends became the only thing to do. I started focusing less on what I didn’t like and spent more time laughing. I worked less and loved more. I made it a point to be present, despite my creative rut doing everything it could to take my attention away. And then… nothing happened. Nothing in terms of coming to a solution. But all the while, everything else had space to flourish.
Finally, after months of waiting, once my mind was clear I guess, it hit me. I got a text from a friend, inviting me to a party. I had no plans and didn’t want to sit in my rut, so I went. The party was nothing special. I ate, had a drink, and met some new people. As I was saying my farewells, it happened. The answer to my creative problems revealed itself in the most ironic of ways. My friend asked me to pull an aspirational card as a fun send off. So, in true sad boy fashion, I pulled the bottom one.
“Don’t try to be anyone else.”, it read, “You are one of a kind and that will always be enough.”
Without looking for the answer, it found me. At the end of the day, creating isn’t for anyone else. It doesn’t follow any timeline, nor destins me for success, nor guarantees the things I covet. Creation doesn’t come from grinding away but from being aware of what’s possible and being willing to change accordingly. Somewhere along the way I forgot to be open to the stories that were happening around me. I was far too busy trying to force mine. Trying to be a writer or trying to be funny became more important than just being the best version of me. Despite feeling like the right thing to do, trying to create ultimately was the thing that was hindering me the most.
Creativity requires effort. But it also requires humility, patience, and awareness to take it in. To create something meaningful requires an artist to be vulnerable. To take ownership of my shortcomings and recognize there will be times where I won’t know what to do next. Creating is meant to be an expression of the creator. So what stories are you telling? Do you have belief in them? Or are you in a rut like I was? If you are, learn from my mistakes. Focus on something else, intake more than your outputting. Eventually, the truth behind your creativity will find you and reignite your path.